From Hesitation to Heaven Bound
Sometimes when I'm alone
I cry because I'm on my own
The tears I cry R bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because my heart is torn
and I find it difficult to carry on*
While I was searching for inspiration this week I came upon the poem, Sometimes I Cry by Tupac Shakur. This excerpt and its deep reflections spoke to me, articulating much of what I've been experiencing in the past two days; a crying season.
We may not admit it, but we all have become more familiar with our tears for one reason or another since the pandemic began. As we continue to press our way through this mire and clay, tears are sometimes the only way we can articulate the tug-of-war within.
So, why was I crying, you ask? I was fed up with what should have been a safe place turned toxic. I had been pressing my way through the frustration for a while. But this week, I hit a wall (or maybe I should say the wall hit me) and I hesitated to move forward.
Why do we treat the act of hesitation as a lightweight? Is our interaction with hesitation so common, our use of it so saturated that we can no longer see it's power even though we all can feel its impact? Like the aftershocks from a earthquake, I felt it. My heart was torn and I found it difficult to carry on. What a great definition for hesitation: the difficulty to carry on.
I feel ya', Tupac.
Later in the poem, Tupac talks about wanting someone to connect with and confide in...
The world moves fast and it would rather pass u by
than 2 stop and c what made you cry
But we have one, one who is there when it's difficult to carry on. Greater is the God who is with us than anything that makes us hesitate.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. ~Psalms 121:1-7
Out of all the things we need to dismiss so we can forge into the future, I believe hesitation is the hardest because it's an internal battle. But it doesn't have to be eternal. Your crying season is just that, a season. You have the power to determine how long it will be. Even Jesus himself was tested in this area. When faced with the consequences of the cross, he hesitated in the garden of Gethsemane (meaning "oil press") but not for long:
“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. ~Luke 22:42-43 NIV
When you trust God and press through your hesitation, Heaven will come see about you, too.